Learning from Family Caregivers

What a great group!

My previous experiences of leading support groups have taught me that not all groups function as well as this one.  This group of family caregivers make my work as facilitator easy.

They gather monthly, sharing the struggles of being the primary caregiver for their loved one.  They care for siblings, parents, or most often spouses, usually wives caring for husbands.

These intelligent, mature, strong, and wise caregivers demonstrate the skills of compassionate listening and appropriate confidentiality.  They exhibit a depth of insight that comes only with an equal depth of life experience. And just as important as the skills they possess, they are kind.  They come with open hearts, never judging, minimizing, or fixing the problems of another group member.  Over and over again I’ve been deeply moved—and blessed—by their stories and wisdom.  They’ve taught me a lot.

These family caregivers live in a difficult space.  Their loss is an “ambiguous” one.  That is, their loved ones are still alive—they haven’t died—but due to their limitations, they cannot relate to their caregiver as they once did.  This is indeed an “ambiguous loss,” as defined by Dr. Pauline Boss, an educator and researcher on this topic.

Reiman Botanical Gardens, Ames, Iowa
Photo JStanton

The caregiver is now solely responsible for providing the emotional energy to the relationship.  They must show love and support to their loved one, who are limited in their ability to express love and support in return.   In many ways, these caregivers are faced with a new relationship, while dealing with the memory of—and the longing for—the former one.  They must learn to live with this loss.

For most of these caregivers, the demand to find new ways of living and loving appeared with no warning.  A stroke, a cerebral hemorrhage, or an accident simply “showed up” one day and changed their lives forever.  It’s a way of life that can only be negotiated with large doses of patience, courage, and trial and error.

It’s not an easy road they travel, and sometimes they feel depleted, needing nourishment themselves.  Hence, the support group.  And what a group it is: giving and receiving that which resides most deep in their hearts and needs open expression.

I’m privileged to facilitate this group of wonderful people!

2 thoughts on “Learning from Family Caregivers

  1. Oh, how I wished I could have found a caregivers’ support group during the last nineteen months of my mom’s life! It was so frustrating to be the sole daughter on whom she depended (though because of her stroke, I don’t think she knew she depended on me, let alone appreciated it through no fault of her own) by myself with no one else to talk to about it because I felt so alone (and unappreciated by my siblings as well). It’s the reason I began a journal following her stroke that changed her and her life (and mine) completely, the subject of a memoir I’m currently blogging (parts of it anyway) one of my WordPress blogs. You are offering quite a service to this niche group, and I look forward to reading more of your entries 🙂 Jane

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